My Metamorphosis
by Midnight Minute
Summary: Life changes and often leads those in it to change with it. For most, this is natural. For others, change is a mere concept that can never be applied fully. As circumstances change in her own life, Gaz reflects over who she is, her choices, her very being - her metamorphosis. Rated T for character death and violence.


Hey readers!

This is a shout out to all my Ways of An Irken readers who may have stumbled upon this one-shot. What's going on here is that for a few months, my thoughts haven't been neutral enough to produce a new chapter. When I write that particular story, I am always careful to keep my personal emotions out of the story as best possible that way the story isn't shifting left and right as my day to day mood fluctuates. Without going too much in depth, if I were to write that story right now, Gaz would be out of character for what I've established for that story.

Therefore, this is a completely separate Gaz deviation that I have. It is NOT associated with Ways of an Irken in any way, so please do not connect the two as this is its own stand alone. I hope that you enjoy this abstract piece, and with this, I also hope that it gives me the ability to put my mind in neutral again. Either way.

* * *

Gaz gave an agitated sigh, pulling open her diary and opening it up to a new page. She had never been a normal girl, and her diary clearly showed that. Where normal girls would write about their feelings and day to day crushes, Gaz had always used her diary as a way to align her thoughts and sort out the abstract ideas that kept her awake at night. She never had to worry about the 'what ifs' of someone reading her diary, because to the average reader, they wouldn't understand a single thing in it. It would start on the top line, and branch out into subcategories, and often times, never reach any form of resolution.

Grabbing a black ink pen, Gaz took a small breath, carefully guiding her hand across the page, writing down the phrase that had been running rampant in her mind as of late.

_I'm sorry._

Gaz stared at the two handwritten words standing out at the top of the crisp new page, feeling her lips curl down into a frown. Setting the pen down on the desk, Gaz glared at her own writing. How she despised those words right now. The idea of an apology was so vastly different and frustrating to her; the mere idea of an apology went against the very essence of her being.

Saying sorry meant something was done that wasn't meant to be done; that a mistake had been made.

Gaz was not sorry. Gaz couldn't _comprehend_ sorry.

She had never been someone to do something on a whim, so when she took action, it was action she meant to do and had already thought out. There would be no second thoughts, and certainly no regrets.

No apology needed.

Staring at the pen in her hands, the girl continued to write, a small arrow leading to her next thought.

_Not possible._

As she looked at her paper, Gaz could feel her frustration increase, thoughts swirling about in her head that she still didn't know how to place. Biting back a groan, Gaz shut her eyes and tried to refocus her mind. The writing wasn't helping, her mind was still split back to that day; the day that Zim had died. Though months had gone by, it was still fresh in her mind.

Nothing could have prepared her for what she had seen; for what she heard.

Holding the pen tighter than necessary, Gaz moved back to the paper, a black, thick, shaky line following her hand as she wrote.

_Damn Zim._

That was the day that everything had gone wrong. Something was different. Perhaps they finally had gotten the best of each other's patience, but the words they so often threw at each other were no longer empty threats. When Gaz had seen the two of them shouting back and forth, she knew that they had reached a turning point that there was no return from.

She hadn't been one bit surprised when the first punch was thrown.

* * *

_Gaz smirked to herself, watching the scene unfold before her. She had been woken up not just ten minutes earlier from none other than Zim and Dib, who were already shouting at each other for various committed crimes. Regardless the fact that they were now in their upper teens, her being the youngest of the three at seventeen, nothing had changed. They fought at almost every opportunity they got, swearing left and right how one day they would destroy the other. _

_Gaz moved towards the window, opening the blinds and looking for the source of commotion. _

_There in the front yard, Zim and Dib stood glaring at each other, their stances alone testifying to how angered they were at each other. Dib was standing tall, his arms fisted at his sides as though either restraining himself or preparing to attack, while Zim had already taken up an action stance, a hateful glare being directed towards Dib._

_At times, Gaz found them to be both childish and annoying with their constant bickering and fighting, however other times like to day, she couldn't help but see it all as ironic how things had turned out. After all the time that had passed, nothing between them had changed. _

_If things kept up as they were, it was likely they never would._

_Moving towards the screen door, she could hear the voices of Zim and her brother._

"_Me? Zim, you're the one who can't do anything right! Need I remind you how many times I've succeeded in saving the earth from you? Who's the superior now Zim?"_

"_Not today Dib. I no longer have time to play with you like the little child you are. I have to complete my mission. I must."_

"_Oh? Why today Zim?" Dib's voice took a sarcastic tone to it, causing Gaz to roll her eyes at how dramatic they always were, "What's so special about today? Do you have a new plan, because whatever it is, I will stop you."_

_Deciding that she had heard enough of what she had already heard too many times before, Gaz pulled the window down fully, moving out of her bedroom and towards the living room._

_She could tell they were more serious today than they normally were; that was perhaps a good thing. It seemed so pointless for both of them to waste so much time on each other, and she had told Dib she thought as much. From the way she saw it, they should just leave each other alone because it was obvious that neither of them would ever be able to beat the other._

_It was more practical to just walk away sometimes._

_Time began to pass by, and Gaz had known that the two had begun fighting. They were making such a ruckus that even with the doors and windows shut it was hard to hear anything else. Each shout and grunt put her in a worse mood, though it seemed like hours passed by without a cry of defeat from either party._

_Scowling, Gaz moved into the kitchen, grabbing a soda from the fridge and sitting at the table quietly, trying to block out the commotion her brother and Zim were still making. She wanted to go out and break up the fight, if only for her own sanity, but it wasn't her business. It wasn't logical for her to get involved with their affairs and she didn't want to waste her time in doing so._

_Not long after, Dib busted through the door, slightly starting Gaz. The sight of her brother put a frown on her face, though she couldn't quite place as to why. He had a black eye, bloody nose, a large gash across his cheek, and he walked with a limp._

"_Dib, you're bleeding everywhere. It's gross." Gaz said in disgust, not quite sure how to respond to her brother's beaten up appearance. Drinking the last of her soda, Gaz crushed the can, standing up from the table to throw the can away. She watched Dib limp across the floor, and she found herself laugh slightly, "So who's the looser today?" _

_Ignoring her, Dib moved towards the sink, grabbing out a wash cloth and began to wash the blood off himself, lowly muttering things that she couldn't quite understand. _

_Gaz moved towards the sink as well, jumping up on the counter and watching Dib attempt to clean up the wounds. Rolling her eyes, she grabbed the wash cloth from him, "You're doing it all wrong Dib. Here, let me do it; you'll just make it all worse with your hacking away at it."_

_He winced slightly once she took over, but complied further, beginning to converse about the fight._

"_He crossed the line Gaz. Today I end this." _

_Gaz had never heard her brother speak with such malice before; his tone was cold and grimly serious, and his words an obvious malignant threat._

_Quirking an eyebrow, Gaz looked at his cheek, grabbing a gauze pad and holding it over the large gash, knowing it wouldn't be enough to stop the bleeding fully, "Oh? What did he do this time that's so different from before? Here, hold this, I'll butterfly that shut."_

_Searching in the first aid kid, Gaz found a row of butterfly band aids, perfect for large cuts like Dib's that needed the extra persuasion to stay closed. _

_Dib continued, only wincing slightly as she forced the cut closed again, "Can you see me Gaz? We've been fighting for years but today, there's just no going back. Even you said that fighting year after year is pointless, and I think I agree. He has to be stopped."_

"_For what? For earth?" Gaz asked, posing a challenge in her voice, "Or for you?"_

_Gaz wasn't sure what Dib's real motivation was. Normally, he was so gung ho about protecting earth, but now, he sounded like an angry teen boy who wanted revenge. Gaz let out a slight sigh. If this was his attitude, he would regret it later, and that would be a pain for her._

"_You going to try to stop me Gaz?" he asked her, his tone daring her to oppose him. _

"_Dib, I couldn't care less what you do," She stated coldly, surprised to see her brother's look morph into a sadistic smirk._

"_You'll never change Gaz."_

_Dib jumped down from the counter moving out of the kitchen, leaving Gaz alone with her thoughts._

_For once, the house was finally quiet again, much to the relief of the young girl. As she began to pick up the used bandages and clean up the bloodied sink, she gave a sigh at the situation, wondering if she should have ever said anything to Dib at all. It wasn't that she was smarter than he was, but they were two different types of people. Gaz was very practical and logical, Dib was passionate and thought with his emotions instead of his head. _

_At times it seemed written in the stars that her and Dib would never be able to properly communicate with each other. She had meant to give him helpful knowledge that would encourage him to stop wasting so much time, if only for his own sake, instead he took it as some form of encouragement for a revengeful slaughter. _

_As she thought about how the day was turning out, she heard Dib's steps returning back into the kitchen. Turning around toward him, for the first time in years, Gaz wore her emotions on her face, shocked to the core. In Dib's hand was one of their father's experimental guns. It was one the professor had been working on off and on. When fired, it released a ray of negative energy that incinerated protein stands, so anything with a trace of DNA in it would be completely destroyed when hit. "Dib! What do you think you're doing?" _

_Dib looked over the weapon, speaking as he did so, "No more wasting time Gaz. I don't know enough of Zim's weaknesses to fully destroy him. Water can wear him down, but it won't kill him. This though, it can destroy any living organism – even Zim."_

_Gaz scoffed at her over emotional brother, finding that this entire fight was getting well out of hand , "Dad's going to kill you if he sees you messing around with that thing! That's still highly classified; you know we aren't allowed to mess with his stuff!"_

_Dib held up the gun, taking a sigh and then looking towards her, "Well there are two reasons why Dad won't find out. One being the fact that Dad's never here, and the second being that you're coming with me, right Gaz?" He held her gaze across the kitchen, a genuine look of hope across his face. _

"_I will do no such thing. I want no part in your guy's stupid fight. Blast each other to smithereens but leave me out of it." Gaz explained firmly with disgust, wanting no part in whatever would occur. _

_Dib opened his mouth to respond, but never got the opportunity to. Without warning, the front door was kicked in, chipped wood pieces scattering across the kitchen floor from the impact. _

"_Well well, how typical of you Dib," the voice of Zim called out, "trying to bring your little sister into this. You're a pathetic excuse of a man if I've ever seen one. You're what the Irken call defective." Zim appeared in the doorway, holding a gun looking device of his own, "Even in your own society's laws you are an adult, yet you still act like such a child. It's sickening to know that I have to waste my time on someone like you. On my planet, defective Irkens are eliminated like the trash they are. Going to your sister for help – how weak. You deserve to be destroyed."_

_Dib glared heatedly at Zim, holding up the gun firmly, "She just said she doesn't want part in this fight Zim, leave her out of this."_

_Smirking, Zim held up his gun though pointed the barrel towards, Gaz, laughing as Dib's face paled from shock, "But why Dib? Don't you see, I can't stop with just you. You and your family, and your race, one by one if I have to Dib, but this planet is not yours anymore." _

* * *

Gaz took a deep breath, pulling herself out of her past memories and onto the piece of paper once again.

Focus.

With a hand that was now even less steady than it was before, Gaz picked up the pen again, and beside 'Not possible' wrote a new word across from it.

_Possible_.

The word held so much meaning to her, so many questions. What did it mean to be sorry for someone, or something? What did it mean to be able to _change_ like that – to have something happen where actions were incorrect and regret set in? What did regret look like? Was it strictly a feeling one had, or was it acted upon from that point forward?

Staring at the paper, Gaz could feel her frustration start to rise once more.

Possible was a positive word that was far too optimistic to be on this paper. Right now she was trying to be practical, and the idea of possible was just not appropriate in this list; it was far too abstract. Possible meant that no matter what the circumstance, there was always a small chance of something occurring, no matter how improbable.

For good measure, Gaz added a new idea onto the paper.

_Can't Change._

That she understood. Dib had even said that to her on that day. She would never change. She didn't even know how right he was until she stood there, watching the hellish nightmare unfold before her eyes.

* * *

_Time stilled as she watched the scene around her; Zim pointing a gun at her, Dib's shock._

_Time was put back into motion when Dib took a flying leap at Zim, and the fighting commenced again. Running for cover and away from the boys, Gaz moved out of the room, wondering how the day had started out so normal and turned to this. She watched as they rolled around the kitchen, knocking over chairs and doing whatever means necessary to try to gain the upper hand. It wasn't before long that they started attempting to shoot at each other as they battled at close range, random shots flying throughout the kitchen._

_She wasn't going to intervene. This was not her fight. Gaz decided that she would merely keep herself out of the way and let the two deul it out – obviously it's what the two wanted anyways._

_As they continued fighting, struggling to remove the other of their weapons, stray fire managed to hit just the right spot and the whole house was in flames within just the first few minutes, dangerously expanding through the whole house almost instantly. With all of their dad's science equipment, it was a shock the house just didn't explode then and there._

_As the smoke began to rise into the air, Gaz knew she couldn't watch anymore. She carefully moved towards the outdoors, coughing out the smoke and trying to wrap her head around everything that was happening, hoping that the two were smart enough to call it a draw and run before the whole place collapsed on them._

_As she stood on the road, Gaz wondered how in the world they would explain this to their father. While it was true that the professor wasn't often around, sooner or later he would learn that their house was on fire, and that Dib and Zim were fighting to kill each other once and for all. Shaking her head, Gaz crossed her arms. If Zim didn't succeed in killing Dib, their dad certainly would. _

"_Damn it Dib, Zim, this isn't funny. Both of you cut it out!" she exclaimed, yelling into the flames, hoping that her words would goad them out of the building. Hopefully it was all just some big joke that went too far; any minute they would come out laughing hysterically and things would all go back to normal. After another ten minutes went by of just watching the house burn down, Gaz grabbed a rock, throwing it at the flaming house in anger, "Where's the damned firemen when you need them? Ridiculous!"_

* * *

She imagined that most people would have cried if in her position that day; perhaps fall to their knees as they tried to sort out their combating emotions, figuring out what to do. She did none of that. Gaz had looked at the situation the same way she looked at everything else in her life. She was simply trying to be practical, that was clearly the best way to go.

At this point, Zim was dead. Nothing could be changed. There was no reset button, no way to undo anything. What good would regret do? What good would emotions do? It was in the past.

Glaring at the paper, Gaz could feel her eyes start to burn as her frustration started to get the best of her.

If she was making the right decision, then_ why _was she still thinking about it two months later?

It didn't make sense for her to waste so much of her time dwelling on the past, especially if she wasn't sorry about it. She had never been like Dib, never been emotional or anything but level headed. It had been Dib's decision to start that fight anyhow.

Gaz sighed, starting to feel drained.

_Why._

Though the word didn't quite map with the words before it, she felt it belonged because that was the word that had brought her here in the first place. Why?

I'm sorry?

_Why?_ Why sorry?

Why not angry, or sad or … anything but that?

Why did this all bother her so much?

* * *

_It took what seemed like an eternity of her standing alone on the street, but both Zim and Dib walked out of destroyed house, covered in burns and ashes, clinging to their weapons as they pulled their broken bodies out of the flaming ruins. _

_Gaz was furious at them both at this point, though she couldn't bring herself to act on her anger. __She was more glad that she wouldn't be the one explaining to Dad why Dib went on a suicide mission and burned the house down. Staying at the road, Gaz watched the two, uncertain of what would happen next._

_Dib was coughing as he crawled further away from the house, but instead of getting up to keep fighting, he merely collapsed on the ground, clutching his weapon against him tightly. _

_Gaz frowned darkly, crossing her arms as her anger continued to grate away at her patience._

_It seems they weren't done then. Dib couldn't even stand, yet they weren't done fighting. __Zim stood up, walking over towards Dib, smirking as he watched him cough weakly and fight just to stay conscious. Seeing Zim approach, Dib made a last ditch effort to hold his gun, but with a laugh, Zim kicked it out towards the road, kicking Dib over and leaning over him._

"_I win again Dib. You lose. Your race of pathetic humans is doomed." Zim's voice was haughty as he spoke to Dib, his attentions solely on his current prey._

"_It's all about doom and destruction with you Zim," Dib mumbled out weakly, though his voice held a distinct tone of hatred, "Since you've been here it's always war and killing – you'll never change Zim. Never."_

_Zim growled loudly, pulling his gun out and pointing it downward at Dib, "You know nothing of my motive Dib. You couldn't possibly understand!" Zim cocked the gun, standing over Dib, "But that won't matter soon enough."_

_Gaz held her father's weapon firmly, no expression on her face as she watched Zim, who was not even remotely focused on her. Once she saw Zim move towards Dib with such a dark look on his face, __she knew it was time for her to intervene. The fight was escalating much higher than needed, and it would be troublesome if the alien actually killed Dib. It was almost surprising to her, but she knew that it wasn't just an act; Zim would kill him. _

_She didn't know much about Zim, but she did know that he had one master organ in his abdomen. If she shot him there, he would die. If she shot him elsewhere, he might survive, but the cycle would only repeat itself. __Gaz took a deep breath and released it, allowing a calm to fall over her. The first, and only shot was fired._

_Zim weakly drop his weapon, turning his attention towards Gaz, the forgotten element he had so easily written off. _

"_It doesn't make sense for me to allow you to shoot Dib when you don't belong on the planet in the first place Zim." Gaz sighed lightly, watching Zim as he slowly lowered down to the ground, "It's nothing personal."_

* * *

Though only two months had passed since then, it seemed as though it were a lifetime ago now. Gaz and Dib had both become famous for discovering, and fighting, the first documented case of an actual alien, receiving global recognition for their scientific contributions. They were now leading worldwide projects, advising various politicians, and putting all their alien knowledge to work for the nations. While Gaz couldn't care less, Dib seemed fairly excited to finally be taken seriously after all the years of mockery he had endured.

As for Zim, his body had been bought by the government for a ridiculous sum, and was now being used for various cell research and possible warfare use in later generations. Regardless of Dib and Gaz's high positions in political standing, most of the information remained classified to even them.

Once funding starting come in, Gaz and Dib had bought a new home to house their small family, deciding it was only fair considering it was the fight that destroyed it to begin with. It was nice, much nicer than the house they had lived at before. On any normal standards, it was a happy ending. Dib looked like a hero to the whole world, Gaz would have enough funds so where she would never have to work, and their dad was proud of them both.

_Unfulfilling._

That was the new word that Gaz decided to write. Two months of fake smiles and secrets. There was a part of her that did enjoy the changes, because everything was nice. It was the same for Dib. He seemed to truly enjoy his work and helping the nations, yet there was always a haunted, tired look in his eyes. That look was there because something happened that day that didn't add up. It was that same thing that had her sitting at her desk, trying to plot out her thoughts to see what went wrong.

Even with mapping out her thoughts, it didn't help. The paper didn't make sense. None of the ideas added together, her thoughts weren't building up on each other like they were supposed to, it was all wrong.

"Because the situation was all wrong." Gaz mumbled out loud to herself, pushing her hair back as Zim's final words hung over her memory.

* * *

_The alien fell to the ground on his knees, holding his arms over his wound as though trying to prolong his life further. Gaz looked at Zim, lowering the weapon and moving towards him. He was no longer a threat, and with where she had decided to hit him, he would never be again._

_Zim shook his head at the irony, masking the pain as best he could, "Gaz – you? You did?" he paused, an odd smile coming to his face, "I didn't see that coming." He paused again, looking up at the sky and then around the neighborhood, holding his abdomen weakly, "I didn't see any of this coming."_

"_No one expected you to be able to predict the future." Gaz stated softly, not having an opinion of his statement one way or another._

"_No, I – I meant this planet. Exile. Be- Being a d-defect." Zim coughed out, though his attentions turned to Dib, "Dib you have to – to understand." Zim looked down at Dib, eyes widened as he noticed Dib was not glaring up at him._

_Gaz looked at Dib, then back to Zim, "Zim, he's passed out. If you have something to say, I don't normally play messenger, but I'll make an exception I guess. You don't have a lot of time left."_

_Zim closed his eyes, letting out a small noise of pain as he sunk lower to the ground, "Tell him- tell him they were going to kill me. I-If I ever tried to g-go home without dooming this pl- planet first…they'd kill me." Zim looked up at Gaz, sorrow clear in his eyes, "I had to – to try. Dib would u- understand right? I – I didn't want to believe I was a defect. I'm the A-Almighty … Zim." _

_The green alien took a deep breath, finding that talking was beginning to wear him out as his energy slowly left him._

_Gaz gave a slow affirming nod, "I'll tell him."_

"_Gaz?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Tell him – most of all – tell him I'm s-sorry."_

_Gaz nodded again, frowning at his addition and wishing so desperately that Dib had just been conscious. She wasn't sure what it was about his words, but they made her uncomfortable. She watched Zim fall fully onto the ground, watched his shoulders move slightly as he breathed, then watched as he stayed perfectly still, never to move again._

_It was then that she finally heard the alarms. _

_The firemen were finally on their way._

* * *

"Gaz." The voice surprised her, making her jump almost right out of her chair.

"Dib…" she mumbled, surprised to see him in her room. Oddly enough, she found his presence to be comforting, not annoying like it usually was.

"Still trying to sort things out?" he asked, moving over and grabbing the notebook from her.

"Hey!" Gaz demanded, weakly reaching from her desk to grab it back from him.

Batting her hand away lightly, Dib continued looking over the page, "I've been reading your mind chart things since middle school Gaz. I see you started a new notebook, I guess that makes sense considering the other one got burned up. Sorry about that."

Gaz felt her face flush, unaware that her brother had even known about her odd form of a diary, let alone that he had been reading if for the past few years.

After a long moment of silence, Dib sat down of the corner of her bed, giving a long sigh and rubbing his eyes tiredly, "I can't really make sense of any of it either Gaz. I won't lie; this map here makes no sense to me, so you really must be mixed up about it."

Not even knowing how to explain to Dib what she had yet to explain to herself, Gaz gave a shrug, "I just wish I were more … normal in times like this."

"Normal?" Dib asked, "That's a pretty weird request, I mean, there's really no such thing as normal Gaz."

Taking a sigh of her own, Gaz shook her head back at Dib, locking her eyes with his, "Dib. I shot him – killed him, and I don't regret it. To me, it was just like any other decision I make. It wasn't about emotions or protecting you, or even saving myself. I looked at the outcomes and decided that it would be more practical for me to kill him than for you to die. That's it. I don't regret that decision, even now. To me it's just another decision I made in the past. I guess it just bothers me because Zim, who was mostly machine, was sorry. He regretted. He felt."

Gaz took a long pause, feeling as though she could finally name her frustration, "A cold, unfeeling robot, was more human than I am or ever will be." Standing up from her desk, Gaz moved over towards Dib, sitting down beside him and grabbing the notebook, drawing a messy, black circle around the words 'Can't change.'

"See?" Gaz explained, her voice cold and quiet, looking into the paper expressionlessly, "That's the resolution. You were right all along Dib. I'll never change."

Dib stared down at his sister, finally understanding what was going through her head. Dib shook his head, not sure whether he should be amused or sad, "Gaz, you circled the wrong word." He grabbed the paper and pen from her, scratching out her more recent editations, and circling the better fitting word, handing it back to her.

Gaz frowned, looking up at Dib in offense, "Dib. You circled the one word that does not belong. 'Possible' is the farthest thing from a resolution as well as the farthest thing from accurate. You've ruined my mental process completely." Tearing out the page from the notebook, Gaz crumpled the page into a wad, tossing it across the floor and glaring at it.

"I don't understand why you circled that Dib, I really don't. Now please just let me be for now, you know I won't be able to sleep until I get this sorted out."

Dib smirked at how dramatic Gaz could be, though he understood that she really needed to come to terms with his death in one way or another. Gaz was caring, in her own twisted, confusing way. Though she may not see it just yet, Dib was confident that she would in time see things as they were. Pausing as he walked out the door, Dib turned around, giving his sister one last help before she went back to the drawing board.

"Gaz?"

"What."

"Do you remember the last thing I said to Zim, just before I passed out?"

"Yes."

"Then you should know why I circled possible."

"... I see."

There was a long pause, though after a moment, Dib could hear the sound of Gaz smoothing out the wrinkled paper. He smiled lightly, grabbing the doorhandle.

"Dib," her voice sounded tired, as though talking only further exhausted her, "If you want to get inside my head like this, then you have to understand something. I am _not_ sorry."

"I know Gaz." Dib walked out of the room, a melancholy feeling following after him.

In truth, he wasn't either.

* * *

And that's the end! I hope you liked it, but this story was abstract and is really something I wrote for myself, just trying to clarify a couple of things in my head. None the less, I did want to post it up for others to hopefully benefit from as well.

For all my Ways of An Irken readers, please keep in mind this is a stand alone.

Thanks for reading and until next time!


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